Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
