i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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