Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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