I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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