after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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