My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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