He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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