This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Vodka?
Forever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
