I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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