Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
