We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
