So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
