all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
