Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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