I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just forgot I was standing up.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize