She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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