why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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