Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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