Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
