I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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