A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
