One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize