i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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