1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
