When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
