God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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