Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
