My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
