he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
