im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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