A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
