Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
