I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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