I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
