I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
