Don't make out with my wife yet
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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