you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
