It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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