I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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