Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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