Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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