I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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