Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
