I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Drake has all the answers
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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