I'm drive I can fine osifer
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
