Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
