if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
