I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
