I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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