We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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