im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
