I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
