I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i think i have two assholes
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize