I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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