I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
