worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
