I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
