Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
